Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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