Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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