Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
