I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
