yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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