hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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