i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
