who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
