Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
