You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
