chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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