Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
