I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
