i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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