So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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