How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
