I got chris browned last night
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
