I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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