rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
