Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
never play flip cup with pint glasses
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
