She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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