so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
