It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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