I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
