he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
