She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
