She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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