Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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