I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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