I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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