i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
