Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
