we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
