i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
