Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
