She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
