so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
