my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
