I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
