It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My feet surprised me
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
