It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Randomize
