Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Randomize
