dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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