I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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