im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
