She went from zero to smokin in five shots
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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