made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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