I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
