He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
