I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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