did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
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Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
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My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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