I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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