I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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