my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
why is half of my head shaved?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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