i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
