Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
